Kenzi
by Aurora Boreale Norrsken
Summary: She didn't sound like herself and it scared Dyson to all hell. Denzi. I ship it. I love it. Don't like it? Don't read. I own nothing and am not affiliated with the franchise in any way whatsoever.


Disclaimer: Lost Girl is not mine! I own nothing!

Sometimes, Kenzi was happy.

Sometimes, Kenzi was sad.

Sometimes, Kenzi thought about killing herself.

She never told anyone, but she thought about it a lot. It didn't help that she was a human in the midst of a Fae populated building- that she was in the middle of a world that she didn't belong in.

Kenzi took a drink of her choice of alcohol for the night and let out a sigh. It was late at the Dal, and nobody was really there. It was the perfect time for her to have some alone time. She tilted the bottle a moment before tilting her head back and staring up at the ceiling.

If Kenzi was honest with herself, she knew that Bo didn't need her. Bo had Dyson, Trick, Hale…Bo had everybody and everything she needed. She didn't need to be taking care of a human who would only cause trouble. Kenzi knew, deep down, that she was just a human and that she was only fooling herself in trying to be part of the Fae world. She knew everybody wanted her gone. She just knew it.

Worst was, she believed it more than anything.

See, it's easy to put up a mask, and act like you're okay. That's what Kenzi did- after all, she was a con, a thief. She briefly remembered one time she was happy- when she found out that Dyson and Bo had broken up and that Bo was interested in Lauren. However, that happiness was snuffed out rather quickly when she learned that Dyson and Bo had broken up… but he was still in love with her. Since their meeting, Kenzi had really liked Dyson. Because of the fact that she would basically be betraying her bestie, the woman had locked those thoughts away.

She couldn't blame Bo or Dyson, though. They didn't know—they were never supposed to know and they never would, she would make sure of that. She couldn't blame Bo because she didn't tell Bo everything. She hadn't even told the Succubus about her step father and what he did to her when she was a child—no, only Baba Yaga had been her comforter, then. Kenzi didn't tell Bo because she knew that the Succubus couldn't go long without Feeding or else some pretty heavy amounts of shit would be hitting the fan—plus, if Kenzi was honest with herself, it was just selfish.

Kenzi didn't tell Dyson because she knew that as Bo loved him, he loved Bo. She couldn't get into the middle of that and wreck their friendship. She couldn't lose both of them in the same instance, just because she decided to voice her feelings. She was supposed to be the crazy human and the best friend who defied Fae laws to do whatever it took to keep her friends and loved ones safe. She wasn't the friend that told her heart's wishes and was selfish.

But sometimes, on nights like these, Kenzi unlocked the door and let the thoughts, the fantasies, pour out and make her liquor taste all the more sweeter. The human chugged another drink down before she got up and left. The only place that was solace to her now was the bathroom at her home. Once she reached home, she took off her boots, her jacket, set them aside. She rolled up her sleeves and made a bee-line for the bathroom.

Bo didn't know about it, but Kenzi had started cutting herself- that is, causing self-harm-, just after she was saved from the Kitsune. She relived the memories of what happened to her then every other night. Sometimes, she would dream that Bo came before anything seriously bad happened. Other times, Bo didn't ever come at all; Dyson had, instead.

Taking the mirror down, Kenzi reached into the wall and withdrew a set of packaged razor blades. She brought the package out and withdrew one. Sliding her pants down and stripping her shirt off, the human set to work. Her teeth gritted a moment before she sighed as she felt the sting of the blade against her alabaster flesh. She had cut on her arm, this time, whereas she usually cuts on her legs.

The human cut herself for a few hours, being careful to keep the cuts thin and not quite deep. They would heal soon, and they wouldn't leave scars. Not that anyone would care, Kenzi thought rather bitterly, Nobody ever cares.

She knew that, though.

She knew that in everybody's eyes, she was only Bo's sidekick. She knew that she was only Bo's human.

She was never seen as her own person.

Kenzi dabbed at her red and irritated flesh, careful to clear up the blood on the floor as well as the tub. She stood, somewhat wobbly due to the booze she'd just downed, and put her clothes in the washer. During the course of her self-harm, and due to the past she harbored, she knew how to take care of herself in such a way that she'd still be injured, but the evidence wouldn't be found.

Little Kenzi didn't miss out when it meant she could still have everything she wanted.

After changing and falling down onto her bed, she stared up at the ceiling. Her eyes were a dim gray color, and her cheeks were flushed. She didn't have the strength to move, really, so she let her memories whisk her away to a darker place. A place where all the truths were laid out in front of her and nobody could deny a single damn thing.

It was a world where Trick wouldn't act so annoyed with her being in the Dal, then try to play Mr. Nice-Guy.

It was a world where Lauren wouldn't send her fleeting expressions of doubt, curiosity, and faked concern, then try to be friendly.

It was a world where the Fae wouldn't ignore her, or skirt around her presence, and would instead tell her outright that she didn't belong.

It was a world where Hale didn't talk to her, but instead told her everything she feared hearing in her sober state.

It was a world where Bo…

It was a world where Bo wasn't friends with her and instead told her how much she hated her.

It was a world where Dyson…

Better not go there, girl, Kenzi told herself. Better not go there.

Kenzi used the last of her strength to curl up into a ball and sob her eyes out.

THE NEXT DAY

Kenzi sat up and rubbed her head, letting out a groan of discontentment. Fucking hangovers.

Her eyes moved to her arms and her lips parted before a rush of air left her. Her long sleeved shirts were being washed today. It was Bo's turn to do laundry. Well, fuck.

She hopped out of bed and hurried to the washer and dryer, grabbing a long sleeved shirt before she even realized that Bo wasn't even home. She went to the bathroom and did her business, then went to the kitchen. Cooking up a little somethin' for herself, she settled on the couch and watched TV as she ate.

Kenzi knew she'd probably show up at the Dal later that day…later that night. She didn't want to, but on the other hand? She liked to torture herself.

Kenzi wasn't always a masochist. In many ways, she wasn't, though, at the same time. She didn't get pleasure from hurting herself. She just knew that if she continuously hurt herself, she'd remember the truth she'd resigned herself to. Nobody cared.

Nobody cared.

Nobody cared.

Nobody will ever care.

It was a few hours later that Kenzi showed up at the Dal. This time, though, she didn't smile to anyone when she walked in. She made a bee-line for the bar and settled there, flashing a brief, fake smile to Trick. He gave her, her favorite brand- the kind not on the top shelf, of course, though.

Kenzi made herself comfortable and preoccupied herself with sipping at her booze. It was funny, really, it was. Bo wasn't in the Dal tonight; no, she was with Lauren. Hale wasn't around, either. It seemed only Dyson and Trick were there at the Dal that night. And other people, but Kenzi didn't know them- she didn't even want to know them.

Her eyes looked around, steadily. She locked on Dyson, talking to some pretty blonde. They seemed pretty comfortable. She was probably Fae. Kenzi watched them a few moments, memorizing the pounding pain in her chest before she turned back to staring down into the bottle of her booze. She took another drink. There was nothing she could do other than to accept the pain and make it part of herself. The pain made her feel alive, in a way, and it fueled her growing anger at any Fae. In many ways, they were just like humans, but they hated humans at the same time.

Like every other night, nobody noticed her; anyone ever only noticed if Bo was with her, save for Trick. But even then.

After finishing her drink, Kenzi suddenly stood off her barstool. Her fingers had lost their grip momentarily and instead of her handing the bottle back to Trick after she was done with it, it had slipped from her hand. It fell to the floor and shattered into tiny pieces. Damn. Another thing she did wrong as a human. Doing this surprisingly attracted attention from the Dal- she had made quite a racket, after all. Raising her head and looking around to see everybody looking at her- even Dyson, she stared back defiantly.

He looked so good. His eyes, his hair, his body. His presence was calling to her, beckoning her to go to him from across the room, but she just couldn't. She didn't want him to feel awkward and have to save her pathetic little Human, glasses-lacking ass for the millionth time. So, instead, she played the hand she held close to her chest.

Kenzi forced her eyes to brighten and she smiled a fake smile- all of her smiles were fake.

But nobody noticed.

"Sorry 'bout that, bitches and hos. I'll be careful next time."

Her voice sounded weak even to her. Her eyes flashed in the lighting as Dyson stepped over to her, forgetting about the woman on his arm. He seemed to be concerned and she was challenging that. What would make him oh so concerned about the human he didn't even appear to like when he met her?

He stepped up to her and looked at her in what Kenzi perceived to be annoyance. It only made the pain in her chest throb harder. She drank every throb of pain into her body, instilling it deep within the chasm that her heart bled into. It was like a ravine, ripping apart the fertile soil and wrecking the land, the earth that was friendship, love, and happiness. Every throb brought the pain into the ravine and Kenzi could feel it growing.

"You okay, Kenzi? You don't look like yourself."

It wasn't just that, Dyson could tell. Kenzi didn't particularly smell like herself, either. She smelled rather dark, and she smelled like lies and a darker feeling that even he wasn't sure he wanted to delve into.

"What, D-man? I'm totes fine, yo." She flashed him a brilliant grin, but it didn't reach her eyes.

Dyson's eyes narrowed a fraction. He could tell she was definitely lying this time. He wanted to know what was wrong with her. Maybe he'd ask Bo? No, he knew Bo was never around for her anymore. Even he knew that. His hand came to rest on Kenzi's shoulder, and he was shocked at how quickly she tensed up. Kenzi wasn't someone to tense around someone she trusted. He frowned.

"Kenzi, are you really alright?" He tried again. This time, quickly, without her noticing, he examined her. She had lost weight, and she seemed smaller than he knew her to be normally. Of course, she was a human, but she was never this small- even compared to him. It was like her fiery self had left her, as well. Her eyes didn't hold a spark. Her smile was dim. She seemed…

Very sad. Kenzi seemed like she was very sad and tired. He knew something was up with her now. Nobody like Kenzi could be so happy only a few weeks ago and then get so sad and depressed. It was like someone flipped a switch or Inari woke up from her death and walked back into Kenzi's life, terrifying the young woman again. Dyson couldn't help that his mind had switched back to the moment when he held the dead Inari in his arms. It seemed so much like it was Kenzi. Like it was Kenzi bleeding out…

A distinct smell caught his senses in a web and Dyson nearly shook with rage as he identified just what it was. It was blood. He smelled blood. Kenzi had been hurt- hadn't she? His eyes narrowed to her arms and he realized no, she hadn't been hurt by an opposing force. She was hurting herself. He knew because he had seen this type of behavior in many humans, even Fae, over the years and of course being an officer of the law just gave him more insight.

In an instant, his hands moved to her arms and he noticed her brief flinch. He was right. Her wounds were on her arms and judging from how Kenzi reacted, the wounds were still fresh- probably last night or just recently. Kenzi's eyes widened in a panic- she knew that he could smell blood- why didn't she think of that!?

Thinking quickly, thankful that everybody had gone back to their own thing, Kenzi didn't answer Dyson with words. She didn't need to. She shoved him as hard as he could, and with his momentary distraction, he let her go easily. She didn't care if he could track her by her scent. All she knew she needed to do was to get the Hell Out of Dodge, as many humans would say. Split like a banana. Leaf like a tree. She just needed to _run._

Kenzi bolted out of the Dal and ran as fast as she could. The cold air was harsh on her throat as she inhaled deeply, trying to run faster. Her hair flew out behind her and she hopped a fence, intent on losing him somewhere in an alleyway. If he was even chasing after her. She didn't look back though, she just ran. She ran all the way until she reached the park on the far side of town.

Her hands hit the fencing and she bent over, cursing the pains in her sides, and the throbbing pains in her arms. His grip had been tighter than she'd thought and with her frailty, what with her having lost weight, her entire body was hurting. Her eyes dimmed as she caught her breath and she collapsed onto the ground, merely panting and trying to regain her standing.

Dyson's eyes looked around for any sign of her. Since she had entered the Dal, the man knew something was off with her. She didn't great anyone, she wasn't popping up in anyone's conversations; it was like just for that night, she didn't exist. He knew she had entered when he smelt her, and he was going to go over and greet her, but he couldn't break conversation fast enough to turn around.

And then the bottle was broken.

Nothing startled Kenzi enough to break one of her precious booze bottles. He knew that much. He had turned around to look at Kenzi when he heard the noise and what he saw had shocked him. Her eyes were sunken in, darker looking with her makeup trying to hide it. Her hair was neat, and it was actually quite lovely, but it only made her pale skin stand out more- it made her look like death. Her skin itself was paler than he remembered, and she had lost a lot of weight. She didn't carry herself with the confidence she once did, and she didn't talk like she once did. She wasn't a social butterfly either. No, rather, she preferred to stay by herself.

Dyson didn't want to admit it, but it worried him. He was never worried about humans, truly, but Kenzi had grown on him more ways than one, and he was worried about her.

He was worried about her and furious with Bo and the others.

Had they noticed this change in Kenzi? Had they noticed and not done anything, or did they just not notice? When he had approached her, he had his answer; the pain in her eyes said it all.

His chest throbbed in pain as he saw her faking. She should never have to fake her smile- it was too beautiful. Wait, where did that come from? Shaking his head, Dyson forced himself to look for Kenzi. He'd followed her scent deeper into town, and he'd finally found her sitting on a park bench, staring at the fountain.

"You ran off pretty fast."

It was all he could find to say at the moment.

Kenzi's hands suboncsciously moved to her arms and in a reflex, she crossed her arms. Her head was held stubbornly and her chin raised; she wasn't talking to him, clearly. But, she gave in. Whenever it came to Dyson, she usually did; even if she tried her hardest not to.

"Yeah. I had to. After all, you probably smelled my wounds."

She didn't sound like herself and it scared Dyson to all hell. Her tone was flat and her voice was low; she was too blunt and she lacked her normal amount of spunkiness and humor- the way she talked, even, was off. She was too curt, too serious; too…bitter.

Dyson gestured to her and she shrugged; he sat down next to her. His eyes looked ahead and he spoke.

"Why did I smell blood on you, Kenzi? What wounds? Are you in pain? Who hurt you?"

The questions didn't surprise Kenzi, but she didn't care too much for them, either. Sure, he was the only one who noticed, but that didn't mean that Kenzi was going to answer him and spill her guts. Nah, she'd rather spill her guts to the floor of her bathroom.

"I told you, I have wounds. I fell at home and scratched myself up on my arms trying to catch myself. I'm not in pain though, D-man. I'm totally fine. Nobody hurt me."

Dyson, of course, knew it was a lie.

"Kenzi.." He was warning her not to lie to him. But, she didn't pay any attention. After all, what difference would it make?

"Really, D-man. I'm totally fine. Just run along back to the Dal, and tell anyone who really cares that you found me sniveling on a park bench because I broke a nail. Trust me, they won't care."

Oh, damn you, mouth, Kenzi thought. There was no going back now- she'd basically thrown it all out there.

"They won't care? Trick cares."

"If he cared, he would've asked where I've been for the past couple days. But then again, nobody noticed the true, real me was gone for almost a week, did they?"

Her voice was so hard and her words like a blade, slicing through his heart, that Dyson thought he was going to fall over. It wasn't about physical wounds anymore. Something was hurting Kenzi. Badly. Deeply.

His hand came to rest on her shoulder and she tensed, then his arm went around her shoulders and he merely pulled her against his body. She was tense for a long time, but slowly, she started to relax.

"I'm not going to beg you and play your game, Kenzi. Please tell me what's wrong. I want to know. I want to help you."

Kenzi couldn't stop herself from leaning into Dyson's touch, head on his chest. Her eyes swam with tears and she let out a soft reply. His care actually struck her deep in her heart and she knew she could tell him what she had been feeling for a long time. She knew that he wouldn't betray her. He wouldn't ever leave her side.

So, with a sigh and bleak words, Kenzi told him what he needed to hear: the truth.

"I want to die."

Dyson stiffened to such a degree that Kenzi thought he would never loosen up. Her head remained on his chest, though her eyes (now dry) stared at a dove on the ground, pecking at whatever was there. A few long moments passed, and it felt like an endless chasm was opening and Kenzi was on the edge of it. Briefly, she felt her arms start burning, as though her wounds were mocking her; maybe they were.

"Kenzi…" Dyson didn't know what to say, truthfully. He knew that Kenzi wanting to die was something that the Fates were cruel about. The Kenzi he knew was full of life and she was humorous and bold and courageous. She didn't back down from a fight even though she was shaking from head to the toe of her heels or boots. She didn't want to die.

Kenzi lifted her head and looked up at Dyson. Reflected there in her eyes were thousands of tiny little shards that showed her sadness and her pain- her disbelief that anyone cared. For a moment, just a moment, she let the despair and hopelessness consume her and she fell against his chest, sobbing. She didn't care who walked by and stared. The only thing that mattered was that Dyson was listening- even if she wasn't saying anything. He was the only one who noticed something was wrong and went after her- maybe he was the only one who cared.

Dyson wrapped his strong arms around Kenzi, suddenly feeling the need to try and protect her. He had always wanted to protect her- after all, he considered her part of his Pack. But this urge to protect was laced with helplessness, as well; he couldn't protect her from herself—not truly. So, he settled with hugging her tightly and running his fingers through her hair, something he had noticed calmed her down exponentially. Again, that furious anger rose to the surface, and he felt the need to find Bo and the others and either verbally rip them a new asshole, or tell them the horrible thing they hadn't noticed about Kenzi.

They hadn't noticed that she wanted to die.

When he had heard about the incident that her side had been cut and she was so close to bleeding out when they were going to fight the Garuda, he had been terrified. He hadn't let it show, of course, and he hadn't known why, but he felt the terror. He felt the loss at the possibility that she wouldn't be in the world anymore.

That loss only grew when he held the dead Kitsune, Inari, in his arms after he shot her. She hadn't returned to her True Self, and she held Kenzi's face and body. He thought he had killed the human woman he'd grown so attached to- even after everything with Bo. But now, to hear that she wanted to die, it was like his heart was only pumping pain through his body. He couldn't explain it, not really, but her words bounced around in his head and all he did was hug her closer to his body as she sobbed.

"Kill me, Dyson!"

Welp, there you have it. Part one. I'll write more if you want to see more.~ Otherwise, it may be edited in the future or not. Maybe it'll be a multi-chappie. I dunno. Anyway, R & R! Positive criticism is loved. I don't care about what you have to say concerning Kenzi's personality. I know it's a bit OOC from what has been seen in the show, but you know what? Kenzi's human. Everybody, even if they're happy as can be, isn't always happy. Masks are worn by everybody.

R & R~

-Norrsken.


End file.
